Breakups are, among other things, painful. Pain is a good teacher though. A tough, unnerving, total a****le, but a good teacher. I think we live in a society where we associate breakups with the end of romantic relationships, but they are far more widespread and nuanced than that.
In this episode I talk with Aimee Duroux (who you may remember from our social media episode) about why they hurt so much, how to go about them, and what is to be gleaned from them. Aimee is an actor, producer, writer, social media maven, voice over artist, and the human personification of sunflowers. She brings such warmth and insight to the conversation, and I genuinely cannot wait to share it with you. Let us know what you think! Tag us in your insta stories when you listen to it, or join our Facebook group to share your response! I’d love to put some human faces to the numbers.
Keep well,
-Paula
P.S our loud siren friends from the fire department make another appearance about halfway through this episode, so again, do not be alarmed if you hear some distant sirens, that’s on our end.
EPISODE NOTES:
Things We Mentioned
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Starlight Children’s Foundation is an amazing charity very close to my heart. Find out more here about them and how they bring some much-needed levity and distraction to sick kids.
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Generation Why? Is yet to be released but you better believe that Make sure you stay in the loop by following the Facebook page
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In the episode I talk about one of my most painful platonic break-ups from back when I was in primary school. I heard myself using the phrase “distress they caused me” and I just wanted to, firstly, clarify that break-ups cause emotional distress, but it would be unfair of me to blame that on the people involved, as they have no power or responsibility over my emotions. And secondly, I wanted to say that none of the people in question were cruel. Sure it hurt; it would always hurt. But they did it in the most mature way possible, which was really impressive considering we were all 13. I was aware at the time that there wasn’t a better way they could have handled it, and it was just going to hurt for a while. A lot of my distress came from the narrative I had created around it, and they had no control over that. I have since done a LOT of work on myself in therapy to rewrite this narrative, and address the nasty core beliefs it was rooted in. Yay progress!
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Memory distortion Look you don’t need me to tell you that memory is not perfect, they’re not even static. Memory is a malleable tool that our minds use to reinforce personal narratives and lessons, as well as survive. That’s why people can have repressed memories when they have a traumatic experience. Here’s a Psychology Today article on the mechanics of memory. And here is one on Business Insider for a more general overview of what it is and how we can use it as a tool.
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School of life is something you have almost certainly seen on YouTube. It was founded by Alain De Button (that dude with the TEDtalk about why you’ll marry the wrong person) and Sophie Howarth (a writer and social entrepreneur with quite a few interesting ventures, start here if you fancy a google). In case you haven’t heard of them, here’s a video on who they are, and two little vids related to the episode: the challenge of being close, and how to get over someone
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Esthere Perel is a BELGIAN psychotherapist with three TEDtalks, four books, and is famous for exploring the tension between the need for both security and freedom in relationships. She also has her own podcast called “Where should we begin” and it is FASCINATING. You get to sit in on a couples therapy session, and it is such a brilliant dive into the human experience, love, relationships- everything. Just go and listen. Nothing I say can do it justice.
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The Harvard Study, which is the nickname of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, is one of the longest running longitudinal studies in the world, and one of the most significant studies on emotional well-being in history (because it is still ongoing. 80 years later). Learn more about it in this TEDtalk, or this article. If anyone finds some good scholarly articles that are free/easy to access, hit me up!
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Metal Straws: Aimee and I forgot to mention that of course not all people have the option to use metal straws, such as disabled people with certain mobility impairments who would find it difficult and potentially dangerous. If you can, do. And if you can’t, then I’m sure there are plenty of other ways you can cut down on single use plastics. There are a terrifying number of single use plastic products so the options to cut them out are pretty numerous. As with all things though, do what you can, and slowly you’ll find you can do more.
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Love Bachually is a little like Shameless but specifically for The Bachelor; smart women talk about reality TV in a way that unpacks bigger issues with nuance and humour. I like to listen to it when I’m winding down for the day (still haven’t watched a full episode of The Bachelor and don’t feel at all confused when I listen btw). Check it out on the TNC website (if you’re reading this, you’re half way there!) and Instagram
You can find Aimee here:
On Instagram
Her website
And her Facebook page
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Produced by That’s Not Canon Productions. Graphics by Claudia Piggott. Music by Jessica Fletcher.
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